a “good” sit

In Uncategorized on May 1, 2012 at 10:22 am

i had my first “good” sit yesterday. the first in a good long while.

for several years, several years ago, i was far more diligent in my sitting practice, sitting nearly everyday and joining the sitting group at my meditation center regularly.

then life got busy. we had another kid, i took on more responsibility at work, my wife’s work picked up as well. the time for sitting became more and more squeezed, the opportunities to find a quiet place anywhere became fewer and far between, and slowly but surely my sitting practice became an aspirational memory rather than a lived reality.

so it was with some trepidation that I recommitted myself to practice a few months back. i strongly suspected that sitting is emphatically not like riding bike – that one doesn’t just instantly remember. i mean the physical memory is there – half lotus is no more or less easy than it was several years back – if anything a bit easier because of the yoga i’ve been doing but the mindfulness itself? the calmness of mind? the not feeding the mental movie and therefore perpetuating it? i was scared.

my re-commitment to sitting took the form of a sit at lunch time. i’ve got an office to myself, and my cushion is against the wall behind my desk. it is less than five steps away, and there is really no valid excuse for not finding 20 minutes, every day, to sit.

so it should surprise no one that my greatest creativity and procrastination has come up as i’ve confronted my commitment to sitting. because really, sitting during the middle of my work day?

it’s excruciating. i honestly can’t believe that this is what my mind is like during my working hours. if you were in here, you’d be… well, never mind what you’d be. just believe when i say that spending time in here, watching what’s happening, knowing that this is how my mind is while i’m at work – it ain’t pretty.

and so, yesterday, while sitting, when i had several moments of presence, of being with rather than chasing around, when my mind calmed down and accepted that i wasn’t going to play along and go along for the thinking/listening/planning ride that it had in mind (pun intended) – and when i had several of those moments in succession…. that was good.

it felt good to see that. to feel that. to remember that taste of greater freedom and spaciousness, and to know that that is still there for me. perhaps a bit further away because of the years between my past practice and my present one, but nevertheless, still there.

see you on the cushion.

Comments are closed.